Wilderness of thoughts…

Memory.jpgIt’s been a blustery day here. Like my thoughts, lots of stuff’s been blowing around. Driving back from grocery shopping, I found myself talking out loud regretting I had left my phone at home. I liked what I was saying and wished I could have captured it for posterity. Ideas are gold; insights, platinum. Neither should be squandered.

Only a fragment or two remain of this afternoon’s notions now. I’m unsure how to tie the few threads together coherently. What I can tell you is that I was ruminating over death and how the pain of it can open a door to connectedness, or close it. A friend of mine’s recent loss will test her, but I’ve no doubt she will remain firmly connected, grounded by the love of family, friends, and self. Her grief might take her to unwanted places, but she will go where she needs to go to lick her wounds. And her journey onward, filled with grace, will act as a beacon to those around her, those who ache even more than she does.

It is a wonder to me still, me who believes we chose our path, why we opt for pain. In this form, (body), we expand our awareness through feelings, though, so often invite all kinds of things. That way we can experience variety and make conscious choices to feel one way or another. Of course, since feeling good is the goal, why have we made it hard to discern good feelings? We might instinctively know them, and some of us might recognize and stay in them more readily than others of us who learn to doubt, repress, resist, and question them along the way. We who distance ourselves from the instinctive knowing end up thinking all kinds of things ‘feel good’. We end up in addictions, even in sickness. Yes, even sickness is a way to either get attention or belittle and berate ourselves. All feelings, just some headed away from feeling good. But we can change that.

Self-love is a good place to start. Marry that to a strong desire to find a better feeling place (didn’t I write about this last night?) and it will come to pass that inch by inch, we will find well-being.

The friend I wrote about above is in the middle of living life. How she chooses to respond to the experiences it offers up is up to her. Regardless of what life dishes up, however, it is our play, our stage. We are the star. I have little doubt she will seek to hold herself in a place of love, and shine under the footlights. But what if she forgets her lines? She’ll simply start over, forgive herself and find a place inside that feels better so she can speak her ‘lines’ again.

I don’t usually write about the same thing two days in a row, but this thought about good feelings and choices won’t let go. It’s trying to tell me something so I’ll keep on it until I get it, I guess.

So I’ll wish for patience and perseverance this evening. Over the year, I’ve wandered far and wide searching for a better feeling place. Slowly but surely, I can see it before me, or more appropriately, within me. What I’m learning, the strides I’m making, warm and excite me equally. It makes me happy, at times even gleeful. But my journey is far from over. In fact, it will never be. So I will patiently breathe in and out and know that my perseverance will, moment by moment garner growth, expansion, and a more loving heart. Who could ask for more?

Until tomorrow…

 

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