So today was one of those days when tears had to flow. The last couple of days have been heavy. We all have those, yeah? It is those days when it seems like somebody’s sitting on you. I mean nothing’s wrong, not really. And everything is wrong. And it sure gets you thinking about things. You project yourself way into the future while condemning your past, and probably it’s the worst time of all to think.
So here I sit in a pool of doubt and snot wondering WTF I’m going to do? Yes, I’m so happy here but… Okay, why the “but” asks big self of little self. I guess, little self replies, it seems like I’m going nowhere fast. Big self says, ask yourself some questions, then.
Okay. What questions?
Where do you want to be?
What do you want to be doing?
What is stopping you?
Right. I need some time to ruminate on those questions. I can’t handle them right now, well not honestly, except the first one which the answer to is, I want to be living in England and am doing that. Still some hills to hike on that score, yes, but am a hell of a lot further along the road, but maybe I should I expand on that first question?
If you think you should.
I think I should.
Then expand on it. What would you add?
Well, the answer to the first questions is, “I want to live in England.” I should go further and ask, where? I love so many spots. I could narrow it down but I don’t really have to because I’d be happy in London or Liverpool, the Devon countryside, Totnes or Brighton. So that’s not a problem. Accommodation is. Therefore I need to get a bit more specific about what to live in instead of where. So the next question is, “How am I going to manage a home here?”
Little self pipes up at this point. You do know how old you are, yeah? My response is to begin weeping again in earnest.
Shit. I didn’t even get to the second question.
Big self reminds, take a breath and goes further to suggest I know the answer to the second question already. It’s a meritable attempt to calm me down.
Yes, I do! I wipe the tears away. I will continue to write. I love it, I really do! And I’m getting better at it.
Are you, asks little self? You rolled off the assembly line late in the day to be picking up a new career methinks.
Shut up! I am a writer!! Big self smiles.
Are you ready for more questions, then?
Not tonight. I’m weary. Can we pick up tomorrow where we left off tonight?
Of course, if that’s your wish.