Some of you’ve likely noticed this post is a day late. I quite literally could not stay awake last evening. Most of below was written then, but I could not finish it and for the sake of everyone – especially yours truly – I thought it best to finish it today.
Do you ever find yourself ‘okay’ then ‘lousy’ for no apparent reason? Do you feel good, like you’re just sailing, only to wake up one random morning feeling you can barely breathe under the weight of doubt, guilt, fear, or shame? For those who cope with depressive episodes, heads might be bobbing in the affirmative. You recognize the pattern. It’s like flicking a switch. One moment you’re all bright and shiny, the next, it is lights out. Well, I’m in a lights out place all of sudden. Yep, it’s that fast and it’s uncontrollable. Or is it?
On a couple of levels, it’s obvious why I’m wobbling. My life’s been a constant whirlwind for months and while I’m in England and wonderfully happy to be so, I’m not yet settled. In point of fact, I’m a long ways away from anything close to settled. True enough, I should be used to the gypsy way by now, but here is different than there in one significant way. In Canada eh, there’s space. We take closets for granted. Space, closets, and dressers make hunkering down faster, more efficient. Ah ha, I need an armoire! So I went looking today. There are copious charity and second hand shops to browse. I’d previously considered buying a clothes rail but waffled because I’ve all my things in storage. It seemed silly to buy more. But since I’ve nothing to hang stuff in, or on, it would come in handy in the long run. Anywho, that’s a start toward resolving an issue, but today I’m still really suffering inside! Clearly, there’s more, yeah?
Spearheading a lot of this funk is worry. I’m doubtful about my future. I have unanswered and unresolved issues jostling about under my skin. The last few days there’s been a whack load of jostling going on over money and citizenship, having a place of my own, and supporting myself. These ‘worries’, a part from the citizenship one, plague me from time to time. That written, I’ve been so much better at coping, confronting, and rising above them of late. It’s a waste of time and energy to worry. It does not feel good. I KNOW that. Still, the ugliness that is fear invades my cells and knots my stomach until I find myself in the land of overwhelm. Great! I’m separated now from my essential self, my source self, my higher self. Recipe for disaster or opportunity for expansion? I’ll pick door number 2 – eventually.
My friend’s post on past lives also stirred my stew. Lately, I’ve put myself in the midst of consistent complaining. Oh my goodness. Mirror time. I’m the worst. Remember, I’m the recovering tragic heroine, the consummate victim! Here’s what I think. When we’ve a problem with another person, stop blaming them. Listen and learn from them. Stop allowing their bad behaviour. You’re probably acting badly, too. Stop it. Period. If they are resistant, uncommunicative, or incapable of change, then take a hike. Leave the job, marriage, friendship. Stop complaining and do something even it it is walking away! If the source of your ire stems from a workplace scenario and you’re peers experience the same thing, there’s power in numbers. If you collectively address an issue with one voice, from an informed place of love, hopefulness, and support, change will happen. Sure it might be uncomfortable, but it’s better than sitting around complaining. End of rant. Still grey.
Writing hasn’t lifted the veil as it often does even though writing makes me feel good. I’m missing something but clear that this so-called episode is more “down”, not actual depression. Whew. All the transitions (deaths) of late have added to the weight. I can sense the sorrow. It’s palpable. I believe I felt much the same way when Robin Williams chose to go. It isn’t that it’s bad, it’s that the energies get muddy. People grieve from different places and while it brings out good in many, it switches off the lights in others. I’m feeling the angst of the latter. My grey is shared, at least. And it’s alright. I simply need to stay aware and not fall under the spell of old thoughts and destructive patterns that would keep the lights off.
The reality is I know my lights will come back on, there are no burnt out bulbs. In keeping with Susan’s post, we come into this life with such clarity. The memory of the clarity, those contracts, is what we call desire. We can only repress it by holding it in, holding it down. Perhaps depression results from denying desire. If we release the strangle hold we have on our passion, it will float up freely is my guess.
So my wish today is that we let our desire float up. Let’s all close our eyes for a moment, breathe deeply and allow our inner world to show itself. Walk around what you see. Touch what is close to you. Smell the air, hear the sounds. Is that a robin singing? Find a spot and sit. Close your inner eyes. With your third eye open allow what you feel to present itself. Do not rush, just sense its presence. Did your heart just leap, skip a beat, expand? Ah, that is YOU. That is who you are at you core. Let the tears come. Let the laughter bellow. Your joy is allowed. Bliss is divine.
The illumination begins.