She said everyone should take time out for a 365 redo. I was flattered, swept up in the thought that my inspiration and ensuing implementation had given birth to what would soon become a global movement. I could see it! Blink, and it was gone. The compliment, while sweet, was a stark reminder that change is hard and requires commitment, time, and patience. And while this unstructured often faltering redo has been life-changing for me, I’m no guru by any stretch of anyone’s imagination!
My desire to live a more honest and full life is what gave birth to this whole blogisode. Without reiterating my obvious flaws, I’d reached the point where I was tired of them but had no clear direction for getting rid of them. Oh sure, there’s tons of self-help books, one-line platitudes, mantras to repeat and exercises to deploy, not to mention well-meaning peeps who have all the answers, but I knew it all, too. I wanted deep and lasting change. I wanted to ask the hard questions and see if I had the stuff to accept and take on the answers. I really, truly, wanted to know if it was possible to embody what I advocated.
For those of you who’ve read a bit over these many months, you know that depression had dogged me like a rabid one. Just today I told someone I’m not really _ years old because I was completely nuts for at least twenty years, so they don’t count. Thing is, it’s true. While I know full well I was here, there is much of my life I have only a vague memory of. And before, that was a burden. Not so much anymore.
Facing myself every day has been at times, exhausting. Looking at my warts with a 20xs magnifier is as terrifying as it is ugly. But here’s the thing. This experiment was not meant to strip a part or destroy me. It was not a journey bent on the destruction of anything – decommissioning is a better term. No, it was meant to heal me, warts and all. It was embarked upon with a desire to become the best me, not a new me.
I’ve revisited bits of my past and recounted them in narrative to you here, but mostly in passing. Rather, I’ve ‘felt’ my way. “How does that make me feel?” is a well-worn question. Getting my feelings in line was always the main priority. For those who’ve read, you know all too well there were days when I did NOT feel good. And that’s okay. It’s really okay to have lousy days!
The last thing I’ll mention tonight about the redo is that for a woman who began a journey feeling lost and unworthy, there has come via self-introspection and honesty, a new found determination and clear direction. This woman knows she has value. And that’s more than okay, that’s fanfuckingtastic!
My wish tonight is for awareness and the grace to carry out what is right. Today I listened to wisdom teachers make a plea to us to do our part for Mother Earth. They asked, also, that we keep reminding our leaders to hold to promises made for holding emissions so as to slow global warming. My mentor, Thay, has made this his life’s work. He asks that we plant a tree, drive less. He makes many simple recommendations which can be easily implemented into our daily lives. He also asks that we approach everything from a place of peace and be mindfully aware. How does that make me feel? Hopeful.