Tonight is interesting. Okay, that’s a bit of an understatement because it is, in all likelihood, my last night as a resident of the beautiful and vast province of Ontario. I was born here, raised here, and have never set up shop anywhere else in the world for more than a blink or two in time. But hey, I’m ready to go. You’ve heard the adage, ‘When you know. You know.’ Yeah, well, I know.
I can’t say with absolute certainty where I’ll end up permanently. I’m quite sure where I will NOT go. But the world is chockablock with places and spaces I’ve not explored. So I need to keep that suitcase close by. However, it will be nice to unpack for a little while.
These past months have been quite remarkable. I began with such low self-esteem and a high degree of self-loathing. Now, I’m in a place informed by self-respect. It’s a great place to be! The re-do’s intended outcome has moved through the desire for insight, to inspiration and even some implementation. What a beautiful adventure! And it continues.
Lately, exploring more deeply from a feeling spot has been fun. Yes, it’s scary at times, and yes I fall down, or sink into old patterns. I’m human after all. But each hiccup brings easier breathing afterwards and for the first time maybe ever in my life, I’m experiencing ‘happy’.
I’ve written before about ecstatic joy and how that elicits fear in me. I want to let loose but am afraid of the level of excitement. It feels ‘manic’ for lack of a better word, and uncontrollable. It actually is the exact opposite of the ‘other’ place where the dark is just too black for words. Suffice it to say, neither place is ideal.
But I’m not in either of those places. Not at all. Instead, with a litany of positive results, I’m making progress. The self-talk, the nudges and shoves, are doing their job. I really do feel happy. And it’s a glorious feeling. Sure I’m unsure, and scared, and I doubt, and wonder. I’ve no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next day, but I’m still happy because I know I’ll be okay. I’ve come a long way from that woman bemoaning her unworthiness. And she’s far from done yet.
Wishing tonight for the grace that multiplies through a service filled life. Find a way to channel anxieties and frustrations into positive action. Working ‘against’ anything is fruitless. Working for something is fulfilling.
Wait…about tomorrow. I might not post. I’ll be en route. However, I’ll catch up as soon as I can.