Well, well, and well. The countdown is on. At least the one that sees me leaving Ontario. Next steps? Heaven’s got a much better idea about that than I do. Yes, of course, I’ll be in Blighty, but questions and unknowns remain. And those unknowns are why yesterday dissolved into such a mess.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay, support myself, and make a go of things there. Mostly it’s the ‘able to stay’ thingy. At this point, what I need to do is trust completely and believe I’m safe but I couldn’t do that yesterday.
Eventually though, the right words came in messages reminding me that I am strong, that change is challenging, and today is all that matters. What good are maybes, and what ifs? As the panic began to subside, I could breathe, so sought the mediation pillow where I calmed enough to sleep. When dawn came, so did some clarity.
All episodes, especially the rough ones, are opportunities. But goodness, it can be a pain in the arse trying to get to the bottom of what’s driving you nuts, not to mention, the honesty bit. That’s the kicker. I can’t blame anybody but myself! Ugh. Anywho, once the craziness was moved aside I could take sane stock of things and begin to look at circumstances that might have brought on all the sickening panic of yesterday. And damn if it didn’t have a lot to do with an issue, a block, I’ve been trying to chip away at as part of my re-do.
Dotting and crossing is simply a necessity and I can be notoriously careless. Bureaucratic ‘red-tape’ isn’t anybody’s favourite thing, but it is a means to an end. If you know me, or have followed along on the blog, you’ll know I’m a skilled procrastinator with a polished aversion to paperwork. After yesterday’s dust settled, it was obvious to me that I was beating myself up over my failure to ‘do it all’. And while I could have been better about a few things, others I pulled off brilliantly. So, I’m learning to take the good.
And right now, as long as I don’t run away from what needs facing, needs doing; as long as I seek the message in the meltdowns, and keep going in the direction my gut’s pointing, I’ll be okay. Better, I’ll be travelling with Source.
And that’s my wish tonight. May we all find Source, our connected, truest nature, our essence from which only good can come. Isn’t that amazing? Who could ask for anything more?