StruggleAnother glorious day of sunshine and blue skies and butter cookies. *sigh*. My eating is so totally bizarre! Could it be stress? Maybe, but I really think it is sugar that’s triggering a desire reflex. Add that to everything else going on and yeah, wildly out of control I am! However, that written, since I fly Thursday, I’ll straighten up. My usual rule is to get super behaved days before travelling, from sleep to exercise to food, because the better I take care of myself beforehand, the better the overall experience. No jet-lag. Seriously. None. Anywho, the clean-up will have to start tomorrow.

As you might expect, I’m prepared. I splurged and bought two new bags, though. And I’ve gotten some beauty products here because they are less expensive. My hair’s been cut and coloured, phone will be cancelled, etcetera etcetera. I also scored a ride from the airport once I arrive which saves my girl the bother. Booking at the last minute only works for me.

I must admit I’m kind of scared and falling prey to some second-thoughts. Ridiculous at this stage, yeah? I’d have to ship everything back at great expense and do what exactly? Yeah, I know. But I also except that it’s perfectly okay. After all, things are not done, either. I still have to file for residency and hope I’m accepted. Risky to have done things this way, for sure. As I write it out my stomach’s turning over and I’m covered in goose-bumps. Have I fucked up?

Well, if so, it won’t be the first time. And, if so, I’ll find another way to go about things. I’ll find a way.

So now that I’m weeping and feel like vomiting, it’s time for wishes. And tonight’s wish is for forgiveness. And it’s a very personal wish I’m making public.

I am brash and foolish at times but have a generous heart and trusting nature. For reasons unbeknownst to me, and that I can only explain as my soul contract, I have been careless. But in spite of every outrageous action, I’m still here. This recent folly, this newest adventure, might well be the most insanely hazardous one I’ve yet embarked on. I really have jumped off the cliff. With few resources left, I still embrace a child-like trust and enthusiasm within my heart, however. So, forgive me for taking such an uncalculated risk and I hope you can find it in your heart to send me best wishes.

Terrified until tomorrow…





2 thoughts on “Falling…

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