Today I heard something I didn’t think I’d ever hear. It twisted my heart into a pretzel like thing.
I was not a particularly good mom. It wasn’t for lack of trying, though, because I tried hard! It just didn’t come naturally. I very much wanted my children to feel loved. I wanted them to know that no matter what, I was in their corner, that I was their greatest stalwart champion. Of course, I know now how difficult it is to do something you don’t know much about. So, as it turned out, some of the very things I desperately wanted to do for them, I could not.
Looking at my struggles back then, I recognize I was especially stubborn and incapable of trusting anyone to advise me on a better course of action. My gut pretty much told me what to do. Is that instinct? I was reminded about that trait today – instinct – and that perhaps it is the primary driver. I’d like to think logic and love enter the picture at some point, but maybe not. Regardless, it’s easy enough to get caught up in wondering what I might have done differently, but it’s a fruitless and frustrating quest.
Still, sometimes we need to face failures and mistakes even though it takes a toll. It is heart breaking to think you’ve disappointed someone you love, let them down. All you can do is ask for a soupcon of understanding, and a dollop of forgiveness knowing full well that some ‘sins’ are difficult to near impossible to forgive. I suppose that’s where the understanding comes in.
This past winter, I was told rather sternly, no one would talk to me about children because they knew too well what my thoughts were on the subject. I was devastated but wore the sting of another misunderstanding for a shorter time than normal and defended myself.
Does every woman long to have a child? Society heaps heavily its constructs demanding females have babies; little hims or hers. If a woman does not want that for herself, however, I support her. A woman should feel empowered to choose not to have a baby if that’s her desire. She shouldn’t be locked down by standards and values belonging to others. This is not the middle ages, people. We are not prehistoric! On the other hand, if a woman freely wants to have a baby, a wee little creature to nurture and love, to share her life with, then by all means I applaud her courage and support her choice.
I stand by those thoughts now as I wrap my head and heart around the idea that a new life is soon to come that will continue to toss further afield DNA I thought might end with the three of us.
Tonight I wish for an end to the morning sickness my gorgeous daughter is suffering through. I wish for her all the support, love, and guidance she wants and needs to enjoy her pregnancy to the fullest. During this time, they can chat about many things with glorious anticipation. Oh, and find just the right powerful moniker. Names are important. Elizabeth is a good one, yes? LOL