Can you keep a secret? Of course, I say. I’m agreeing to keep mum about a surprise party. Easy peasy.
We have reasons to hide information like this all the time. Christmas presents, special events, and even a new invention is kept under wraps until a designated date. But the kind of secret I’m asking the question about is not so innocent. There’s no end date.
I’ve a mind that believes secrets are kept by telling lies, and lies are told to keep secrets, secret. Makes sense. I’m a good Irish girl whose skillful use of the long held tradition of blarney is somewhat legendary. But surely most of us tell the odd fib, yes? Certainly getting caught is not fun, and heaven knows I’ve been taken to task for many a fabricated story. But I digress. The topic is secrets, not lies.
The type of secrets I’m talking about are those we’re afraid to expose to the light of day. Why? Well, mostly, I think it’s because we’re afraid of how others will react if they were to find out we did this, or said, that, or think this way. Problem is, we’re essentially holding ourselves hostage with this kind of behaviour, and so not the wisest choice.
Re-doing has forced me to take a gander at what I’ve been hiding deep inside. You know that because I’ve written about parts of the process, my hopes, and some of the results. But each day, a few more layers dissolve, showing issues far more clearly.
Today, the issue for me is a specific secret I’ve been dodging. I’ve touched on it, and some of you might have put two and three together, but I’ve not owned it; I’ve not admitted it in a way that will allow me to let it go.
I’m ashamed of behaviour over many, many years that was neglectful, sneaky, destructive, and at times, dangerous. When drinking I’ve been known to hurt others, but mostly myself. Twelve steps? Not so much. Just a woman coming to terms and trying to be a better person by treating herself more respectfully with love, kindness, and forgiveness.
Pushing the publish button on Word Press tonight is going to take some courage because I’m not looking to have a discussion about this – at least not a personal one about what I’ve “confessed”. I know exactly what I’ve done. I’m the one looking the lies straight on and releasing the secret. This is me being accountable and taking responsibility. It’s that simple.
My wish tonight is a word sent by an e-friend after yesterday’s vlog. The word is congruous. It means in harmony, a place most of us would love to find ourselves. Congruence results when we come together. Facing our deepest secrets and setting them free is one way to create togetherness, methinks. It opens space within, and the space created without allows for more honest relationships to exist. Harmonious congruity for one and all! Think I’ll put that on a bumper sticker.