Deciding… Maybe

LucidSecond guessing is normal, I suppose. It’s not a good thing, though, especially done after the fact. So, of course, I’m doing it. After all this shifting of goods and trying to figure out the “what’s next” steps, I’m suddenly not sure. Why? Why are decisions such a problem for me?

One reason is that I wander unchaperoned in my head all the time. Oh sure, I talk about plans and ideas to others, but only in fragments and always with a degree of reluctance. Those are fear based reactions. I’m afraid I’ll be misunderstood, told I’m nuts, or both and, therefore, I don’t know how to discuss things, have constructive, helpful dialogues. The result being big decisions take me forever to make and can be, have been, somewhat disastrous even when deciding for something I really want. Why? Because I’ve not thought the plan through and while I’m all for spontaneity, living by the seat of one’s pants is not the best for the long term. At least I should set out a goal!

All that written, I made a big choice to ship everything away leaving me with nothing here. Thing is, it’s done. When I decided to do it, in the moment, it felt right. I need to go back to that feeling and stay there. I had my reasons. Another important thing is that my stuff is, after all, stuff. I’ve not seen it or used it for almost two years. And while I’d like to have a home of my own again sooner rather than later, it’s not a top priority for me. Getting settled somewhere, is. Hmm. Don’t the two go hand in glove? Yes and no for me. But what’s next?

Next steps are deciding how to support myself and stay mobile. Easier said than done but not impossible. It will require self-promotion and some dedication to task. Not strong suits. Also, a game plan is needed and for that I need advice and guidance. There, I’ve put it out there. Universe, do your thang!

And that’s all I can muster tonight. If I attempt to dissect my life further at this point, I’ll only end up a confused mess. Sigh. Fini.

And so my wish is for the strength to stay in the moment and trust that responding from the gut will always be the right choice. I don’t know when I started to suffer from analysis paralysis. Once upon a time I’d just dive in! But I do recall being persuaded to look at planning as a better alternative overall. I just wasn’t supposed to stay in the plans phase. Anywho, I’ve lived long enough to know that standing still gets you nowhere in a hurry and just because I’ve not got a huge tribe to help me with decisions, I’ve a good mind. Mistakes aren’t fun for anybody, but doing nothing isn’t an option. So here’s to trusting that a faithful heart will never lead you astray.

No third guesses.

Until tomorrow…

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One thought on “Deciding… Maybe

  1. leon

    frances, you poor baby. you decided, with my support, that living in england was what you wanted…so having a home there was a good idea. so emotionally, that’s what you want or wanted. then you added a lot of logic to the issue like the saving of $ shipping out west and storage fees etc. plus you would be in two places …with some things, like table legs, heading in one direction and other things going the other way…and you weren’t sure where things were packed. so you consolidated it all to england. made perfect sense to me and you were excited about it.

    i guess reviewing there are always doubts, but “having put my hands to the plow do i turn back?” go forward. it’s done. envision what you are wanting instead of worrying ‘what if…?’ you’ll be fine or you’ll figure something else out. you’re bright and resourceful. we cannot anticipate all events…so we learn to roll with the terrain…. xox

    Liked by 1 person

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