I love yellow…

Caroll and Big BirdAlrighty then. It’s time for a big, I mean humongous change up! I’ve written I’d do this before and clearly failed, but I believe in second chances especially when it’s me giving myself one!!! It appears I believe in exclamation marks, too.

So what’s this about? Well, I’m over being the sullen, brooding, lost in angst woman I didn’t realize I was. I know, I know. How could I not know? People kept writing their condolences, heartfelt sympathetic support and the mandatory ‘hang in there!’ comments, and yet I’m all about “Gosh, what the heck are these people reading? I’m doing GREAT!”

Okay, yes, I have had some dark days. Don’t we all? And maybe a year of self-introspective evaluation sans couch or therapist is risky, but come on I’m doing really, really well. It’s just not coming across that way to the faithful masochists reading my blog. SO. Alterations and adjustments are being made so you will all get to see my successes and true lightness of spirit.

Now, for those who actually know me, when you’ve stopped laughing, trust me when I tell you, I. AM. SERIOUS! And, seriously, I’m okay. Truly.

I guess the thing I’ve slowly come to realize these past weeks is that I’ve a particular way of telling my story. When I’m really hurting, confused, or deep in the muck, talking about what might be the cause borders on the impossible. I entered therapy in my early teens so whatever patterns were emerging, became embedded then. There was no way anyone was going to get to know the real me. They’d be disgusted, disappointed, or disillusioned. But I was horribly wounded and ridiculously needy so I got creative, making up stuff and avoiding the real issues. And that’s still the way I talk today, assessing my words to garner the most attention. Except now that I’m trying to be truthful, it reads like a soap opera!

Of course, it’s not exactly the same all these years later. Most of the histrionics are gone, but I do catch myself sometimes, and try to change it up when I do. And because I catch myself speaking this way, I assume it’s translating to my writing in the stream of consciousness style dictated by the re-do and daily blogging. However, it doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. No sireebob!

As of this moment, I’m going to be really careful about ensuring you all know that I am no tragic heroine anymore. That while I might well be working through some stuff, I’m still okay, better than okay. From the beginning, it’s been my intention to break patterns that do not serve. My current style of writing is not conveying the most accurate message, so I will do my best to address that. Period.

My wish tonight is for trust. Trust that life is unfolding as it is meant to be. Trust will get you through. Of course, hope does that, but hope is in the distance. Trust in in the here and in the now. It is in the moment. Did you know that Caroll Spinney was scheduled to go into space on January 28th, 1986? In late December, NASA called to tell him there was no room for Big Bird aboard the shuttle. Why was he spared? I certainly do not know, but trust the Universe had its reasons.

Happily trusting until tomorrow…

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2 thoughts on “I love yellow…

  1. I believe in change, from firsthand knowledge. NO ONE can tell me it’s not possible. The whole “a leopard doesn’t change his spots” thing doesn’t fly with me. To quote my daughter, “You are so not the woman who raised me.” No sirree, Bob!”

    What I say to you is, you have my permission (as if you needed it, LOL) to write as you feel on any given day. Put it out there, from the heart. If you are misunderstood, and you will be because that’s life, so be it. To move past the need to be understood is an important goal for all of us to shoot for. Because it shuts us down. And often shoots us down. Because it’s a given – we WILL be misunderstood, even misquoted. But we will also be understood, by those who care to read carefully between the lines.

    The most important thing is that we grow to understand ourselves. Our daily changing and daily growing and daily moving forward (with the occasional step back).

    Remember your goal: It was to write. It was to heal. It was to move forward. Not to please the masses (small or large). Or to be understood. If I understood your goals. 😉

    Trust yourself. Honor yourself. Love yourself. Keep on keeping on. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Frances Sullivan

      Oh Patti, your letter means the world to me. Thank you! Every word is spot on and spurs me on. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! xxx

      Like

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